Random Lists

  1. Speed. In the Summer Olympics you’re pretty much limited to the speed at which humans can run or bicycle, but a bobsled travels at 90 miles an hour.
  2. Danger. Summer has the marathon, during which you can drop dead. But Winter has the skeleton, luge, aerial skiing and guns.
  3. Curling, which is totally something that you should be able to do in a bar. Move out a couple of pool tables and put in a curling court.
  4. O Canada! It’s a lovely country, but more importantly it shares our time zones. No staying up until 3 a.m. to watch beach volleyball.
  5. Ridiculous costumes. Rhythmic gymnasts try for this in Summer, but they are heavily out-gunned by all the ice dancers and figure skaters. And the American skiers appear to be wearing starry blue pajamas, which leads me to the next item:
  6. It’s cozier. You can curl up under blankets on the couch, and it gets dark out earlier, so you don’t feel guilty for watching TV instead of being outside.
  • Puppets – This was especially a problem when I lived in Prague for three months. There are neighborhoods in Old Town where display after display of marionettes line the streets. It was really unnerving because, as everybody knows, puppets come to life at night and hang over your bed to watch you sleep.
  • Raccoons - It’s their little hands, and the way they rub them together. They’re super creepy. I think this stems from childhood, when the top floor of my grandparents’ four-story house was inhabited by three destructive raccoons and I was forbidden to go up there.
  • Possums - Tail like a rat, pointy teeth and snout, hisses at you. A couple of weeks ago my mom came home from her honeymoon in New Zealand and she brought me back socks that are a blend of merino wool and possum “fibre.” They give me the heebie-jeebies, but I forced myself to wear them once.
  • Attic of my childhood home – It’s over the garage, and to get up there you have to pull on a cord, then unfold the rickety ladder and climb up it. I hate that ladder. Then once you’re up there, you have to be very careful to walk on the beams only, because the floor is just drywall and you’d plummet right through it. There is also the strong possibility of mice. Our Christmas decorations are stored up there, and one time my parents asked me to go up and get the boxes and start decorating the tree before they got home. They came back and found me in tears, unable to make myself climb more than halfway up the ladder.
  • Escalators – Oh, I use them. But I don’t like them. Regular stairs don’t have to have an emergency button.
  • Check Into Cash commercials – Okay, this is the weirdest one. Check Into Cash is some payday loan business. During the commercial, people repeatedly say “Check Into Cash.” As they say it they draw a checkmark in the air with their finger, and it’s animated to draw an actual red checkmark that appears on-screen and, if I remember correctly, it sort of shimmers. Not exactly the stuff of nightmares, right? But I actually have to change the channel or leave the room while it plays, it gives me the willies so badly. It might be on YouTube, but I can’t look it up for you guys because that would involve seeing it.
  • That One Band (Our debut CD would be “One-Hit Wonders” and our 2nd CD would be “Letdown.” I came up with this in high school.)
  • Fuzzy Little Bunnies
  • Gravity Always Wins (This would be my Radiohead-tribute band.)
  • We Value Your Patronage
  • Dammit, Man!
  • Frogland Ambassadors
  • Dimestore Ninjas (Partial credit for this one goes to my work friend Rob.)
  • The Regretables
  • escalators
  • Cirque de Sole
  • “Lost in the Supermarket” by The Clash
  • Christian romance novels
  • commercials starring dead people
  • Justice Antonin Scalia
  • the word “proactive”
  • attic ladders
  • French cars
  • incorrect punctuation on signs
  • toddlers in bikinis
  • Vladimir Putin